The Old Woman Explained, Pulling on Her Sweater at a Red Lobster in Plantation, Florida
I don't wear it for the warmth; I wear it for the color. This color gives me life. Only it's so heavy! It practically pulls me right down to the cellar! But this color. This color gives me life.
I love the idea for the long title, but I would consider one without punctuation, and the city/state is a bit unnecessary. Maybe something like "Pulling On Her Sweater At A Red Lobster In Florida."
Little things: colon instead of semicolon in the first line, i think. Perhaps some more extravagant enjambing, most notably in lines four and five (one suggestion would be "Only it's so / heavy! It pulls me" - the omission of practically leaves the action more stated and, since it's obviously an overstatement, gets rid of an unnecessary word).
But those are just little qualms. You've hit on a wonderful poetic vein in your last few, Willy. Simple statements that breathe pathos without the pathetic, and a very easy voice of natural language/colloquialism without cliche. I love the repeated phrase of "This color gives me life" broken differently.
Let's just go ahead and say it: We Are Not AVerse is an online poetry collective. Now that the pretentious part is over, here's the meat.
We are a handful of young writers - some poets, some prosers - who had the good fortune of convening in one city and sharing each other's company for a few glorious years. We are now dispersed, but hope to use this blog (collective!) to share our work with one another and maintain some part of that communal spirit (of collective responsibility to supporting each other as artists).
Each respective work, obviously, is the property of its writer. So read and enjoy, but be kind and ask if you'd like to use anything you read.
Lastly, if you are visiting, please feel free to comment and participate in our discussions on art, life, fast food, and anything else. Try to keep it constructive, but really: we want your feedback!
Questions, comments, or feedback that doesn't belong on the public web? That's ok! Contact Dinah Finkelstein or Tim DeMay, we are very nice.
I love the idea for the long title, but I would consider one without punctuation, and the city/state is a bit unnecessary. Maybe something like "Pulling On Her Sweater At A Red Lobster In Florida."
ReplyDeleteLittle things: colon instead of semicolon in the first line, i think. Perhaps some more extravagant enjambing, most notably in lines four and five (one suggestion would be "Only it's so / heavy! It pulls me" - the omission of practically leaves the action more stated and, since it's obviously an overstatement, gets rid of an unnecessary word).
But those are just little qualms. You've hit on a wonderful poetic vein in your last few, Willy. Simple statements that breathe pathos without the pathetic, and a very easy voice of natural language/colloquialism without cliche. I love the repeated phrase of "This color gives me life" broken differently.
Great stuff.