I wish
you could see
how the sun looks now.
Sitting here,
through glass you would see
an orange orb
being squashed
by the earth's rotation.
Behind green trees
it's actually quite beautiful.
If you were here,
you would see it flatten as it does now
The last ray
-gone-
And still,
I had not enough time to say goodbye.
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Lines are delicate yet fleeting; as a whole graceful, much enjoyed to the point that you might consider taking off the last two lines and seeing if there is a bit more to be said.
ReplyDeleteI thought about that actually, and I will take your advice. Here it is:
ReplyDeleteI wish
you could see
how the sun looks now.
Sitting here,
through glass you would see
an orange orb
being squashed
by the earth's rotation.
Behind green trees
it's actually quite beautiful.
If you were here,
you would see it flatten as it does now
The last ray
gone
Oh, I forgot to say - thank you for the advice!
ReplyDeleteNo, but seriously, that was really helpful.
ReplyDeleteI meant maybe you'd try then writing more after 'The last ray / gone / ...' before finishing with those other 2 lines (it is me saying: I like it and want to know more.. although maybe you'd rather not have the poem say more); it's your poem, and I'm sure you'll end up with dozens of versions before your done with it.
ReplyDeleteAh - you're right. Reading it now, it is definitely incomplete. Thanks again.
ReplyDelete