But I did not drink it. Instead,
I carried it, sealed
in a a thermos.
Or was it an urn?
I couldn't say.
The vessel was smooth,
metallic, and cold,
and stayed closed,
tightly.
I kept the soup pressed closely
to my chest,
like the ashes of a loved one.
And I cared for it just as deeply.
What did this mean?
What was I mourning?
The loss of something
profound?
Or, like Scrooge,
was this simply a case
of undigested food,
a "bit of beef,
a blot of mustard"
a phantom
"more gravy than grave"?
This seems likely,
because, in the morning,
I woke hungry.
I slaked my yearning,
with Rice Krispies.
A food my grandmother derides
as empty.
But with each crackling,
snapping, spoonful,
I felt fuller,
if only for a moment.
i like this! my only suggestion would be to make a major cut (starting from "the vessel was smooth..." to "the loss of something profound?")because I like the transition from "I couldn't say" to "Or, like Scrooge," and letting the connotation of "urn" just rest with the use of it word. and have "case" take a double meaning? and letting the question of more gravy than grave have more emphasis?
ReplyDeletejust suggestions. i like this a lot.
i like nina's suggestions a lot: i thought about a major internal cut also. i think before the cut, it should be guided by getting rid of this sensical simile nonsense and going straight into the absurd: carry the pea soup in an urn, not a thermos, and go from there. then, we don't need the mourning questions and can skip straight to scrooge (which I agree is a wonderful place to pick up the poem).
ReplyDeleteyour food poems are betraying a deep and sincere grasp of subtle emotion. this is quite awesome.
I'm with tweedles dee and dum -- more showing, less telling. Just let the soup thermos turn into an urn, and trust the reader to ask the other questions themselves. And since you give us the meaning of the Rice Krispies (ugh I still cannot believe they spell that shit with a K), maybe you can fill us in a little on the soup -- what are the qualities of the thing you guard, yet deny yourself access to? How does that relate to the Krispies that your stomach can't seem to grasp enough to keep full?
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