complaining that I don't cherish time.
He tells me not to make plans,
because in their anticipation
life will pass me by.
Yet, just two weeks ago,
when I felt down, his advice
was that time heals all wounds.
So tonight I asked him, "Andy,
what would you have me do?
Should I just sit here,
slowly bleeding?"
He smirked and replied,
"take my advice, you brat.
It's gotten me this far,
and that makes me an expert."
But I don't hear the old man.
I'm hypnotized
by his wobbling jowls,
and by thinking of how to avoid
becoming as smug as him.
"wobbling jowls!" yes.
ReplyDeletethere's a specific feeling I get when i hear that ticker on 60 minutes, and I think this captures it--
maybe it's just me, but you should know that when I read "I felt down" i thought you were talking about masturbating, for a second, and i'm pretty sure you don't want that, although the image of masturbating to 60 minutes is both supremely hilarious and disturbing.
i like the sense of this relationship developed between the younger speaker and the 60 minutes man of wobbling jowls - there's a youth/seniority relationship that, with all the advice about time and what to do and the short-but-similar length stanzas reminds me of a A. E. Housmann or a Horace poem.
ReplyDeletei also don't even know that you need stanza 3 - it doesn't feel as economical as the other stanzas and i think it might help the poem maintain sharper focus to jump from "life will pass me by." right to "So tonight I asked him, 'Andy,"
good narrative with a lot of room to make an even better second draft - i like ian's advice for this.
ReplyDeletemy main advice: the last line is telling us something we should definitely know from the poem. if the reader doesn't grasp that line from the previous writing, then something's likely wrong.