This is an experiment of sorts where I've tried to use a sestina's scheme but instead of repeating end words, tried to repeat entire lines.
and if we put words to every instrumental,
if I had spoken up over the wheeze of a car starting
and if the car had not started anyway,
if we counted the years by each winter
and if each spring we walked the coast,
then in the Spring we will walk the coast.
You leaned into me
and we counted the years go by. Last winter
we put words to the instrumental
of a car that had not started.
I sang over the wheeze of the car not starting
and as I sang, the wheeze of the car not starting
sprang and walked along the coast.
The car had not started, after all,
and so you leaned into me
whispering how words are instrumental
to counting. Each year the winter
counts itself. "The winter,"
I said over the wheeze of a car starting,
"will put words to an instrumental
about Spring and walking along the coast."
You leaned into me.
The car did not start,
and though the car did start
we still counted the year by its winter.
You leaned into me
as I spoke up over the wheeze of the car starting
and we thought about spring, and the coast.
The words to instrumentals
are in the end just words. Instrumental
to a car not starting
are its own dreams of spring. The coast
will count the years by their winters.
And I will remember the wheeze of a car starting,
and how you leaned into me.
This is a tough one, Twim. I will admit that the intensity of the repetition of full or almost-full lines for such a sustained length of poem is difficult on a (this) reader, although there is a payoff in the transition from "if all this had happened" and "I will remember all this happening this way."
ReplyDeleteIf I were revising this piece, I might fling the poem further into abstraction in the middle, and push the repeated phrases to do radically unexpected and perhaps nearly inexplicable things, so that the transition back out into a rational world of memory is more gratifying. The quotes feel like a bit of a cop out. Maybe let the coast lean and the instrumental speak for itself in the middle, and trust that we still know you're driving?
this is a great idea--i agree with D that it might benefit from blasting off to some place of abstraction--however--I also think that if you're careful about the kind of syntax you use in each line, you can come up with a great poem that doesn't have to do this--I'd say keep experimenting.
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