I hate birds
but will admit
the term “nesting
instinct” most accurately
describes my drive
to collect that
which in sum
makes a home.
I will tuck
down and cotton
into the walls
to plug drafts,
drag in wooden
flotsam to suit
our prairie aesthetic,
and feed everyone.
I want to
paint the walls
in warm yellows
and hang curtains
that flutter gently
in afternoon breezes.
Pier One will
be my hunting
ground, and may
God have mercy
on any man
who tries to
out-barter me
at the flea
market on Saturdays.
Exposed brick, lofted
ceilings, utilities included:
none of this
matters a whit.
I’d just like
not to move
for a while.
Fight or flight
must get old
for birds too.
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Love it. Especially the last sentence. My one comment is that I think the word Saturday is a bit clunky, but it also isn't adding much for me, so I think it might be a good place to cut or rework a bit.
ReplyDeletei agree with taylor--i think there's a little syntactic clunkiness here & there: ..."to collect that / which in sum / makes a whole"--but otherwise awesome
ReplyDeleteDinah: lover of all creatures EXCEPT BIRDS!? who knew. you little owl. Yea, i love the mental turns of this poem, with a satisfying end-payoff, very clever and warm.
This was great - the line lengths are really working - but there are a few internal issues I had. with such short lines, you've gotta make sure your economics are on target, so the like "which in sum" is distracting in its superfluousity (what a great non-word) - the rest of the sentence covers that thought.
ReplyDeleteit's always afternoon breezes that make curtains flutter, but if it's just the afternoon that does it, i think you might get a more atmospheric effect. I was also surprised to read "I want" instead of repeating "I will" but maybe that's because I love your psalm-influences.
Reading the rest of the poem as sort of mystical (which very much influences the following advice), I didnt like Pier One, but loved started at 'May God have mercy' and then wanted you to cut out the next sentence and pick it up again with "I will not /move for a while,/I will not fight/ or flee." but that will make this a very different poem.