[Note: Instead of writing a poem today, I celebrated National Poetry Month (the cruelest month!) by helping my sister compose a list poem. She is 15. I think it’s pretty darn good. Suggestions for revision are encouraged!]
Why I hate New York
Smog
People
Skyscrapers
Litter
Gum on the sidewalk
The antemath of bruised flip-flop toes
Negligence - ignorance
Penthouse people plowing past the homeless
Heat of the Crowd
Screech of the Birds
White of the Walls
I don’t like people. I really
don’t like people.
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Man I actually have homework, but then I saw "list poem" and knew I had to stop...
ReplyDeleteOk, I see two bigger issues here:
1. "Negligence - ignorance" should never appear in a poem. Not just that line, but probably even those words unless you are really workin hard. Here they are just in the list, and they don't mean much. I mean, everyone dislikes negligence and ignorance, and I doubt it's just a New York thing. Give us something to bite into, or at least dream about slapping.
2. Personally, I like my lists to be all tangled and evolving and still playing with Line. So, a suggestion:
"The smog, the people, the sky-
scrapers, the litter and gum
on the sidewalk, the antemath
of bruised flip-flops"
Maybe even sticking "I hate" before a couple of them, having some complete sentences. Enjambments are places to stick a word out like a tripwire. Make us fall over them.
One more suggestion: vary the order. Play around with how you want single nouns and phrases mixed together, but keep it fresh (so maybe the 'X of the Y' phrases at the end can be juggled throughout the poem a bit more). And since it's a list, feel free to make it INFINITE.
The visual nouns are great though. This is a very good list poem. Well done.
Love this:
ReplyDeleteHeat of the Crowd
Screech of the Birds
White of the Walls
also the last two sentences are awesome. i like how they sum the list up and add a little resolution to the poem. i don't mind the lines being stacked as they are, but i think shorter lines are more effective and give off a feeling that you're walking down the street and seeing everything that you hate in one swelling motion.
I love "the antemath..." my mind wanted to read anathema or anti-something--and i loved finding that it was more complex than that.
ReplyDelete