i love short poems like this, but i think the last line might be too explanatory. what if 'blue' was the title and you kept the two first lines? love the non-relation of those lines.
This is a good suggestion. I rewrote it the way you suggested in my journal. The one question I have is does it lose more of it's "I'm a miner/farmer" simplicity when you write it that way?
Let's just go ahead and say it: We Are Not AVerse is an online poetry collective. Now that the pretentious part is over, here's the meat.
We are a handful of young writers - some poets, some prosers - who had the good fortune of convening in one city and sharing each other's company for a few glorious years. We are now dispersed, but hope to use this blog (collective!) to share our work with one another and maintain some part of that communal spirit (of collective responsibility to supporting each other as artists).
Each respective work, obviously, is the property of its writer. So read and enjoy, but be kind and ask if you'd like to use anything you read.
Lastly, if you are visiting, please feel free to comment and participate in our discussions on art, life, fast food, and anything else. Try to keep it constructive, but really: we want your feedback!
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i love short poems like this, but i think the last line might be too explanatory. what if 'blue' was the title and you kept the two first lines? love the non-relation of those lines.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good suggestion. I rewrote it the way you suggested in my journal. The one question I have is does it lose more of it's "I'm a miner/farmer" simplicity when you write it that way?
ReplyDeleteMaybe I shouldn't label miners or farmers like that. But you get my point.
ReplyDeleteI hope.